Originally from Ireland, EOIN CARNEY has had his short plays produced throughout the USA, and in the UK, South Korea, and Malaysia. He is also the author of www.BreakingBurgh.com, a satirical blog serving Southwestern Pennsylvania and beyond.
EMMA
You’ve been in a coma since you were involved in a car accident in October of 2016.
JEN
How long have I been out?
EMMA
Almost two years now.
JEN
Am I okay?
(Jen tries to inspect herself. Emma can’t bring herself to speak.)
JEN
I don’t care how bad it is, Emm – just tell me.
EMMA
Your spine was damaged. You may never walk again.
JEN
But there’s a chance I could recover?
EMMA
With hard work, maybe.
JEN
Then I’m just going to focus on that and stay positive. Anything else I should know? Don’t hold back. I can take it.
EMMA
Your cat died.
JEN
Poor Fluffles. But he was quite old and on the bright side this means another cat will find a new home as soon as I’m up and running again. Has Eric been in yet today?
EMMA
Eric left you.
JEN
Well, two years is a long time to stay engaged to someone who may never wake up.
EMMA
And he married your best friend.
JEN
Losing that best friend means I now have an even better best friend in you.
EMMA
You’ve also lost your job.
JEN
They couldn’t hold it indefinitely, could they? They’d go out of business! I’m sure I’ll find something else. Maybe an even better job.
EMMA
Your house burned down.
JEN
It was too drafty anyway.
EMMA
And your medical bills are enormous.
JEN
That will give me the drive to become really rich to pay them off. Maybe I’ll write a bestseller or something.
EMMA
I can’t believe how well you’re taking this!
JEN
I’m alive, Emm, that’s the important thing. When you survive a terrible accident and a long term coma you’d be amazed at the resilience you find within yourself. You can literally stomach anything. So how’s President Clinton doing? I know – she’s probably been far too hawkish on foreign policy for my taste but at least she’s right on all the other issues.
EMMA
I don’t know how to tell you this. There is no President Clinton.
JEN
I knew this would happen. There’s always one crazy person who can’t deal with the thought of a woman president. But we can’t let the actions of one crazy assassin sap our spirit.
(Jen looks up to the ceiling and salutes.)
JEN
We will never forget you, sister.
EMMA
She’s not-
JEN
I bet the state funeral was lovely and Tim Kaine is a good man. Tell me he’s carrying
on Hillary’s legacy just like Lyndon Johnson did for JFK.
EMMA
Hillary’s not dead. She’s fine - probably hiking in the woods somewhere as we speak.