GABRIEL DAVIS, MFA in Dramatic Writing, Carnegie Mellon School of Drama, Shubert Fellow. Published in "105 Five-Minute Plays for Study and Performance" (Smith and Kraus), "222 More Comedy Monologues" (Smith and Kraus), "Audition Monologues for Young Women" (Meriwether Publishing), “Best Contemporary Monologues For Kids Ages 7-15” (Applause Books). Read Gabriel's monologues at: MonologueGenie.com
Thanks to Gabriel Davis for allowing NYCPlaywrights to publish this excerpt from his monologue SWITCHING SIDES.
He wants me to cut my hair -to lose ten pounds. Last night, we’re making love -first off, he calls it “rumping” -we’re -after we’re through -he’s always so sweet after- playing with my -running his hand down my stomach. But last night he grabs a love handle and says “that’s super meaty”. Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?! I mean that’s a hint, right? So like I didn’t know how to take that kind of -I mean who says that, “super meaty” -I’m a woman, not some Dinty More Beef Stew. I fall asleep, don’t say anything to him about it, just smile and pass out -what a wuss, right? So I have this messed up dream -I’m in a fashion show, right -Brandon is a talent scout, but he’s not my boyfriend in the dream. And he looks at me and says “Oh yeah girl you’ve got real potential.” All these guys in white coats strap me to a chair and suck like thirty pounds of fat out of me through some tubes, and these little umpa lumpas are spreading it on bread, and Santa Claus is there taking it to little chil- anyway Brandon is like sculpting me. Giving all these orders, right, like “lose the upper body, enlarge the breasts, tighten up and round out the ass, fill out the legs, lose the face.”
So there I am. I get out of the chair and look at myself in the mirror. I’m just a pair of legs, an ass, and two humungus breasts. Brandon looks at me and says “perfect, she looks super meaty” and I’m really confused, I mean genuinely confused, I mean crap, where’s my head, and I start screaming “where’s my head” “what did you do with my head” “HAS ANYONE SEEN MY GODAMNED HEAD!” And I wake up screaming “Head!” so loud that Brandon thinks I’m asking him a question and he says “Sure, I’m always down for some late night head.” I mean, what is that, right?
And later when I ask him if he thinks, you know, if I’m beautiful, he says; “why don’t you dye your hair like that chick Kate Upton, I bet you’d look real sexy.” So maybe you can understand why I think men are pigs. Cause I mean who says that shit! None of my friends of the non-male persuasion would say that word, “Super Meaty” -what am I a hot dog.